Time isn't forever

Dedicated to my Grandpa Rolan

"Death and dying is all around and I can't seem to get away. My Grandpa just died this morning, and I can't even imagine what I'm going to do. I wasn't super close to him and I only met him once 16yrs. ago but I'm going to miss his voice, his birthday cards, holiday calls and the smell of a bonfire. My heart hurts, like if a part of me has been ripped away. Its been broken. Lord I know that people don't live forever and that that day will come when we die but for some reason I just can't believe it. I never even knew he was sick. I never once just wanted to pick up the phone to talk to him..and now its to late. I'll never have a relationship with him. I look at other people and the relationships they have with their grandparents and I envy it but I don't know where or how to start. I wish I would've had more time" -January 15,2016

It has been a year since my grandpa past away and as the time draws near it brings back all the feelings I had when my dad texted us that his dad had just died! I remember the day so clear like it was yesterday. I remember sitting in my room scrolling on instagram when I got the text from my dad reading "my father just died this morning" I couldn't even believe it, I think I read that text like 5 or 6 times over before it hit me that he was gone! I broke down crying once I realized what was going on....and boy oh boy did I cry! I just couldn't believe he was actually gone! I thought I'd have time to see/meet him again, talk to him, know him. That time has past and I wish I could go back and do it all differently. Time isn't forever and you never know when your time is up or some one close to you!

When I met my grandpa back when I was 5 one of my favorite all time memories was just sitting on his lap! He has the best scent (smelled like a bonfire) and the day he died that's all I smelt for days! I just wanted to go back to that moment when it was just him and I bonding! That year was the last time I saw my grandpa! My family got to go to the funeral and when they came back they brought some of his clothes back and he has this plain ole sweater that I love to wear because it reminds me of him and it smells just like him and even though he isn't with us its like I get to carry around a little piece of him! I miss him everyday and this last holiday season was rough because no phone calls or cards! I wish I could just hear his voice one last time!

I know that sometimes its hard as you're growing up to keep in contact with relatives and visiting if they live out of state or the country but I highly encourage you all to take the time to get to know your grandparents if you don't know them that well or to spend time with them because you never know when they'll be gone! I journaled that I didn't know where or how to start but I do and that's with my moms side if the family! I love her parents they crack me up! They live in New York during the summer and Costa Rica during the winter and I've seen them more than I've seen my dads side of the family. They mean so much to me, after my grandpa died I got to thinking that yes it was to late to have relationship with him but it isn't to late to have one with my other grandparents or relatives. I visited my Aunt that year over Thanksgiving and it was just a great time hanging out with them! I got to go on so many different adventures and D.C. and spend time with all my little cousins! It is still hard but everyday I'm trying to work toward changing the outcome with my other grandparents and relatives!! I wish that I would've been more willing to get to know my grandpa! A part of me feels like its not really my fault because he's my grandpa and he's suppose to take control/initiative right? Maybe not. What do you all think?? I'd love to get some feedback on this! I still wish I would've gotten to know him but the Lord knows and I'm trusting him that he knows what's best and he's teaching me through this trail. Grandpa I hope and pray you're dancing with Jesus in glory better than ever, I love you!!

Forever&Always