When Life Hands You Struggles

"I'm so confused

I know I heard you loud and clear

So, I followed through

Somehow I ended up here

I don't want to think

I may never understand

That my broken heart is apart of your plan

When I try and pray

All I got it hurt and these four words

Thy will be done"

The other day my heart was really heavy and still is because I was contemplating whether or not to keep blogging. To be honest I still am on the fence about it. Sometimes I think my expectations are to high for me to even achieve or anyone else. I really want this blog to go somewhere not so I can become super popular or anything but so that I can help people. To help change the world. I've cried myself to sleep the last couple of nights because I feel like I'm not helping.

The song lyrics right above has been words I've reflected on for almost everything that doesn't go the way I want it to. I really am confused to what I'm doing here and what I'm trying to achieve. I'm confused to my purpose in life and what I can do to make a difference. I don't think I'll ever understand or maybe I will and I'll be able to change a little part of the world. My heart is always broken and I didn't know having a broken heart would change the course of my thoughts and plans and everything I do. I don't want to have a broken heart anymore but I don't know how else to change it.

I think I will continue to blog because I really do want to make a difference but also because if I give up writing I will I will give up everything. And that will not be good. Not at all.

I had to come to the realization of my purpose and my heart behind why I started a blog. And that is to help people....even if helping people turns out to be 1, then I am okay with that. Every life matters and I can't save everyone or anyone for that matter but I can help one life at a time. I also started to a blog to find healing, writing has brought a lot of growth and healing and I love it. I wanted to be vulnerable with the people around me because when you're honest with yourself and the people around you, friends and family you can come to find healing and peace. God has really been healing me in areas of my life that need it. And trust me there are a lot of areas in my life that need healing. I also started a blog to help anyone with struggles that they might be wrestling with, in knowing that they are not the only one out there that are struggling with sin, or singleness or finding purpose or having a hard season etc. but that a lot of people struggle and are going though hard things but its finding the courage and heart to share the hard times with the people around you. Its about having that community that is going to stick by your side in the hard times or seasons of life and help you through it, encourage you through it, love you through it, care for you through it, help you find worth through it! Once, I came back to why I started in the first place it was another full tank of gas to get me going knowing that God is in control, he's given me a desire and he will see it through. I just need to trust in the creator of who has given me the desire!

Honestly you all know, I didn't write for almost a whole year and that wasn't entirely because I was feeling unfed or productive through my writing and blog but life can get so busy which isn't a super good excuse. The year that I didn't write was a year full of pain, change, growth etc. it was a year that I needed to take some time to reflect and even though I think being vulnerable and sharing the hard times with people is wonderful it also (at least to me) comes with some boundaries, because during that year I wasn't able to share all with a complete heart and there was time that I needed to be able to heal and fix before I told the world or people around me. I think some of the biggest struggles with life sometimes is ourselves. We're to afraid, or to concerned about what people will think of us, or the fear of failure, and I think for me that all come into play over the last year which hindered me and my writing. I don't want the fear of what people will say/think or the fear of failure or the expectations to get in the way of serving people and being a source of light in the world where people can come and be encouraged and refreshed when needed! Writing has always been something for me that I can rely on, even more than people sometimes and I want to continue to grow in my writing and serve my generation. I want to continue to use my writing to let people know that they're worth it, loved, and cherished. I want to continue to use my writing as a source of light, life, encouragement and joy to my generation and to the dark part of the world.