Hope In The Midst Of Darkness (part 1)

Ooooo guys. I'm ready! This one is going to be a deep and hard topic for me to talk about but I'm ready to heal and move on! It will also be a two part story/blog post because there is so much I have to say, so bare with me and hang tight! I'll also be sharing a lot from my journal!!

I've sat here for the last 5 minuets trying to figure out where to start....this is going to be hard. I've had a journal for the last 4-5 years and I love to write, I write to express myself when I can't find the words to say or they won't just come out of my darn mouth. Guys again I've sat here for over a hour and I still can't get the words I want to say on the page. I didn't realize it was going to be this hard! :/ I really am ready to heal and I think once I speak out and stop hiding and compressing it then I can truly heal from this!!

Okay so I was home schooled all my life and I took classes at a small Christian school and did a couple co-ops here and there but for most of the time I was at home. It wasn't until my junior year in high school that I decided I wanted to study cosmetology at EVIT! Going there was a huge change for me because it was like actual school even though I was only there for four hours....it was still very different and a lot to handle sometimes! The conversations the girls had and the words they used to describe things were words I didn't even know existed or should ever hear or care to hear was so insane! I didn't realize this is what the world was like. To be honest I was NOT ready for it but that's okay because I don't think you're ever really ready to face the world. It helped me grow and mature a lot through those years and I met some solid people there!! When I was younger I had tons of friends and I could meet anyone and become friends with them in a minute but as I got older I got more reserved and insecure about myself! I became this person that didn't talk to new people and I didn't talk to you unless I knew you well! I mean I was still nice but it got a lot harder to be able to just strict up a conversation with anyone I came across!!

My home life was pretty good....I didn't really do that much at home but it was good! I guess! I went to school, came home, did homework and then most likely went to work!! It came to the point were everyone was asking me what I was doing after high school and all the annoying future questions people want to ask you. I mean I had my plan, I knew what I wanted to do. What I didn't know was how to put my plan into action and I'm not the best when it comes to asking people for help, (don't want to be a burden). Anyways so life went on and I just kept doing my thing. I wasn't the greatest high school student, I mean I did my work and I got all A's and B's most of the time (a few c's, d's and one f) but other than that I did my work and turned it in on time! But yeah, I feel like I'm just writing a whole bunch a pieces of information but I can't seem to get them all in the right order.....

It came to the point as I was close to finishing high school that my mom would constantly nag me about college, what I was going to do after high school, being a good helper around the house...and all the annoying things parents say. I kid you not every single day...it was something about the dishes not being done or the laundry not being put away or my room being a mess of something...and she'd always use that "what are you gonna do when you get married" line because she knows how much I want to be a wife. Instead of those words doing the opposite thing and me being like yeah I'm going to changed and be more helpful around the house it made me more angry and mad. I don't know why but it just did. I just wanted to live the way I was living with no one telling me what to do! I know my mom was only doing it for my good, it was not that she was trying to hurt me or anything but because of my stubbornness and pride that it kept getting to me. Everyone in my family would always judge me about what I was wearing, saying "you're really going to go out that way" and so then I'd change and be knocked down. I'd say certain things or do certain things and they'd make fun of me.

- "Hey! I'm going through a lot...Lord I don't know what to do. I'm a failure. A big one. I fail at school, work, life, You, clothes, friends. Everything you could possible imagine I fail at. Why? I don't understand. I wan't to be loved for who I am, how I dress, what I say but that doesn't seem to be what's right. Lord can you just hold my hand until its all over and stay with me? I seem to always mess up on everything. Lord, thank you for loving me and for being here for me, with all my mistakes and failures.

October 12, 2014 was the day it all came crashing down, the day it all started. I didn't even know what was about to happen to me or the things I would go through but this day has changed my life forever. I would say for the better!! It was rough as hell....well actually I think hell is worse haha but it was pretty bad! I began to have some really bad self issues and I got into a really dark depression but I didn't even realize it until my mom asked me and I denied it because I didn't want my mom to know I was suffering. I didn't want anyone to know for that matter! I wanted to try and figure it out and I didn't want to burden anyone with what I was going through. It had been going on for so long that I was used to feeling unwanted, unworthy, unloved. I wanted to die, I wanted to end my misery and be done with it all. Everything.

This continued to go on for months! I would ask certain people to hangout and we'd make plans and then they'd bail because something better came up and I never understood that because if we were friends why would you bail on me so much. I also became frustrated at my friends because I was ALWAYS the one to initiate hangouts or conversations. It was always me being the one to encourage or build up but never the other way around. I began to question my friendship and if it was really worth it. I was the one doing all the work and getting nothing in return....and yes...I know that's not all what friendship is about, doing something for someone and expecting to get something in return but IT IS a two way street...IT'S NOT one person doing all the work and the other just receiving it.

- "Hey. UGHHH. I don't know why I feel like this but I'm feeling very bluh. I can't do anything right, can't save enough money for a car, can't wear my hair the way I wan't to, can't dress the way I want. Can't be me. What's so wrong with me?? I just want to run away and never come back. NEVER. I seriously don't know whats my problem... Lord what am I missing? I mean I have YOU so why am I so bluh all the time? What am I doing wrong, not praying enough, reading enough, not spending enough time with you? Can you just take me home? Please. Then I wouldn't have to worry about any of this. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm a failure. Lord please help me! I honestly don't know what to do anymore. I just want you to take me home. Forever your daughter!"-

November 9, 2014....guys I'm in tears. Reliving these moments at thoughts I had about myself hurt. SO bad. I didn't appreciate what God was doing in me or was content with how and who God made me to be! I was looking for everyone and anything else to satisfy my soul when only Jesus can do that!! Jesus is the lover of my soul and the only way who can satisfy it!! Jesus I want you to be the one who satisfies my soul till the end!

It is a lot easier to say then do but when you desire to have friends and people you can count on it gets really hard to trust that Jesus has it all under control. I believe that he does and that through this trail he is refining me to become the woman I am suppose to be!! This is still a very hard topic to talk about and to share with you all but I know that once its out I can stop hiding from behind it all and embrace it with joy and grace that the Lord gives! He is my shelter. I do not find my identity in depression or suicidal thoughts but in Christ Jesus. The one who came to save sinners like me, to redeem me and make me new once and for all! This is all I can write for now, but stay tuned to hear how this all pans out and how I am finding Hope In The Midst Of Darkness.

Thank you all for reading and supporting me through this! I love you!

Forever&Always