Hope In The Midst Of Darkness (part 2)

November 29, 2014

"Depression......Depressed....Lord maybe I am depressed? Looking at the symptoms I have almost all of them. I sleep a lot, I think about dying. You taking me home! I feel worthless, like no one gives a care about me. How do I get rid of this....I don't want to be like this forever. I don't like being/feeling like this. Lord will you please help me find rest and healing in you!

Worthless-"Of no worth, worthless" Lord am I really of no worth, am I worthless? I feel it everyday. I just want to run and never look back. Lord in my mind I think of all these way to get attention so I can be noticed, but I know I'd never do that. I like to think like that because it makes me feel loved. Makes me feel noticed, cared for, worth it. Is that the wrong way to think? I'm not sure what I need to do. "How does depression feel? Like drowning and everyone around you is breathing".Unknown Lord I don't want to feel like this anymore. I just want one person to talk to about this. One but it seems that no one cares, they can't even see when I'm down. Who cares anyway....Depression sucks."

This was the day I finally admitted I had a problem. I was depressed and I needed help, even though I still didn't look for it and even to this day I don't like to talk about it really...because it hurts...I decided to take my problem head on. No matter how hard it hurt.

December 21, 2014

"Lord its been a week sense I said I feel happy again and just like that I'm back to being unhappy. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just about done with everything. I want to go away, what am I doing wrong? I don't understand what the big deal is....like ya I was home late but by 3 minuets and you're really going to be that immature about it. I'm so over my parents. I can't be here anymore...it's draining me slowly and slowly everyday. I know I shouldn't think about suicide but I just don't know what to do anymore because everything I do is unworthy, unacceptable and I've had enough. Please Lord, I'm begging you...take me home. I'm done. I can't handle this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore."

Man...boy oh boy did I beg to go home. As I would lay down to go to sleep every night there would be times were I thought all I have to do is get out of bed walk to the kitchen grab and knife and end my life or down some meds and overdose. I was to lazy to actually do it and I loved sleep to much so I would just hope to not wake up but when morning came there I was alive and all. The mornings would come and I would just lay in my bed so unmotivated for life...to do anything. I wanted to end my life more than I wanted to live it.

May 24, 2015

"Once again I'm broken.....very broken. Lord is something wrong with me? I don't understand. Why is it so hard for me to have healthy strong 50/50 relationships. Lord I don't understand. Why is it so hard? Why can't I find friends and keep them? Am I really that bad of a friend, am I really that hard to get along with, am I really that loud and crazy and annoying and dramatic? I don't know anything these days. Why do people think it's okay to treat people like that or there so called friends? Are people really that evil? I just want someone who will never stop choosing me but guess they're hard to find like a four leaf clover. "Iron sharpens iron; so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend"-proverbs 27:17 I just really want someone like that and that I can count on no matter what. Lord I'm just so done with everything. I can see how sometimes people just get so fed up and want to die. The only thing keeping me alive and still intact is YOU. You're the only thing I have left. Thank you for everything. Love you"

My life had become this place that I didn't recognize or know anymore. I was ready to leave it all behind. I was ready to end it all and be in glory with Jesus. My life is not my own but Jesus' and I live for him so even when I was feeling like dirt and that I didn't matter to anyone I would run and rest in all his promises for my life and what he came to do. That he would love me and pursue me so much to take my place on the cross and die for me! In this time Jesus was really holding me tight even when I thought about the worst possible ways to end my life everyday he was sitting there on his throne holding me and reminding me that it wasn't all the friends I had that made me special and valuable but it was the love and blood of Christ that was shed for me that made me completely special in EVERY way.

January 21, 2016

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if I never met you? How much I wouldn't hate myself? I wish I'd never met you....but that's not what God had planned for us. I'm not going to call you a mistake but rather a lesson. You hurt me in ways I didn't think were possible but you taught me so much more, like how big my God is, how my faith is so much more than I thought and how strong I am in Christ. God put you in my life for a reason and I'm thankful for the lessons he taught me through you. My heart may now rest easy knowing you Still and Always will reign as you sit on your throne. Thank you for knowing what's best for me and loving me always"

I was struggling still with my worth and I felt like if a boy came along and showed me any attention that all my pain would go away. Well I tried that. Just to let you all know it doesn't work. So don't do that...run to Jesus! I believe that if I started dating that all my problems would go away and I'd be myself again but I don't think that would have helped because I still didn't believe that I was good enough, so how was I suppose to love some one else when I couldn't even love myself for who I was. It can't be done...and so even though I cried out to God asking for a man he knows that it wouldn't have worked. I think it's funny that we try to live life the way we think we should and God's like "sure go ahead try" and it never works and then I feel like in such a sweet voice he'd be like "see? I told you I had it under control but you never listen" haha I'm so stubborn and I think I know what's best for me but I really don't.

February 28, 2016

"Its all to good to be true. Never once has anyone looked at me and thought I'd like to get to know her. It hurts. Everyone around me has someone to love and I don't and it sucks. I've tried and I've put myself out there but I still get rejected. Its not anything new to me..not having someone. It's just really hard not knowing if it'll ever come. You know? and I'm trying not to doubt you what so ever but you know its really hard. I want to and I need to trust you but it's hard sometime. So anyways I'm right back to where I'm trying to get out from."

April 10, 2016

"Why does pain have to exist? Why does it have to hurt so bad? Why do I try so hard and nothing comes from it? What am I doing wrong? Do I just give up? Is it still worth is? Does it even matter anymore? Is the grass really greener on the other side? Lord why does it hurt so bad? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do differently? I know my life is valuable so why does it feel so worthless? What am I not understanding? Just give me Jesus and nothing else."

I had so many questions and never any answers. Almost every journal entry there is a question about something. Was I living or just getting by? I was so unhappy with everything and everyone. I slept so much in this time because it let me get away from it all and probably kept me from doing anything I would have regretted.

May 26,2016

"When the people you've only known for a little while treat you better then the people you've known for years. Why is that? I don't know but I'm trying to figure it out. I'm tired of feeling worthless, unloved, unappreciated just plain ole disgusted with myself. I'm tired of doing everything and being there for my friends when they need me but when I need them that's the last place they want to be. I think there is something wrong with me. I don't understand. People/friends say all these things about me like, you're so nice, you're so much fun to be around, you're so loyal, you're to kind, you're so sweet ect. on and on they go but I never seem to see their effort. I mean the reason why I do that is because we're friends and so aren't you suppose to be all those things?"

September 16, 2016

"Vulnerability isn't easy. Transparency isn't easy, being real isn't easy but it's all worth it in the end. I've never felt more real or alive than I do right now in this moment. It's ok to be real, I mean we're all human. You are what you are. Lord you are teaching me just how good you are through the certain people in my life to the moon, stars and everything around us. It all just screams your name! I want to be real with everyone. I don't want to hid, I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of feeling alone(like I have to do this alone). I'm tired of crying, screwing up, making choices that aren't the best. I just want to dream big, achieve big and do big."

This is still really hard for me to do sometimes. To be completely honest with myself and who I hang around. We always want to put on the better self when we're around people and I mean yeah because no one wants to be truly seen for who they are. I have SO many faults and I don't want people to see that especially my friends. I've learned though that if they are truly your friend they will love you for you with all you faults and baggage!

October 9, 2016

"Average. Fine if you want to call me an average cosmetologist then fine, call me what you will. I'm sorry I can't meet your expectations of other barbers that have been cutting hair for a living. I'm sorry I'm not good enough to cut hair. I'm sorry I didn't want to do it as a full time job. I'm sorry my dream is much bigger than being a cosmetologist. I want to be able to live my dream and at least I went to school, finished and got my license. The first thing I've done that I've been proud of for a long time." I was SO angry that my brother and best friend called me average so I freaking went off but in my journal...and then a few hours later I came back to my journal to write with a clear head. "Lord, I was so angry and hurt earlier. I don't want to be just average, I want to excel. I know I'm not the best at it but I'm not getting a ton of practice so what do they expect...and for what I have done I think I'm decent. Out of all the things I've done in my life so far this tops it. I'm proud I went to school and finished. I'm proud I got my license. I'm proud of myself and if no one can see that then who cares anyway because I'm not doing it for them. I just want someone to be proud of me for once."

It got to the point in my depression that I just got more and more comfortable with being alone and no one caring. When people told be things like you're just average it made me angry and in those moments I really had to be careful because I'm not sure what I would have done to myself. People shouldn't tear you down but build you up always!!

Everything I felt for over the past three years was horrible and I wouldn't wish that on anyone no matter how much I disliked them! No one should ever feel like they are unloved or unappreciated. We are all made in God's image and he made us perfectly the way he wanted and we should love ourselves because of that. People should love us also because we're different and bring something new to the table. At least in my opinion. I continued to feel very bluh about myself and life. I didn't like myself and the person I'd become. I was also convinced something was wrong with me because anytime I wanted to spend time with my friends they'd always bail and I understand people have lives but every time I wanted to do something. It seemed very coincidental. I was for sure convinced when something happened on my birthday last year. I had invited a few friends over to hang out for my birthday (I didn't have many) but I just wanted my closest friends there anyway. I had talked to all of them during the week and the previous week and everyone said they were coming, so the night of the party two people bail in the morning and so I was like ok, no worries we can still party but then the time that my other friends were suppose to come they just didn't show and I had to text them asking if they were coming or not. No one came to my 20th birthday. Shout out to my good friend Sierra for bringing some of her friends over so it wasn't a complete fail. haha You da best!!!(: I cried myself to sleep that night knowing and feeling that I was completely worthless to everyone. I mean really no one showed up and if I didn't check in and see if they were coming they just wouldn't have said anything. I wanted to die that night. I really did. After that I took a step back to evaluate myself and my friendships to see if they were really worth fighting for. I started to not be the first one to text them seeing how long it would take for them to reach out to me and it was months. I get it I know people are busy and life gets busy but if you're going to tell me how much you love me and how great of a friend I am to you then please act like you like me. I don't play around with friendship, I really don't. If I think you're cool and I want to be your friend I'm going to treat you like I like you and if I say I love you its because I REALLY do. I don't use those words lightly. I'm not perfect at being a friend because I'm still a sinner and we live in a fallen word but I work my butt off to be a good friend.

December 11, 2016

"Lord yesterday was so hard. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Why did that have to happen? Why couldn't my day have gone smooth, because you were teaching me to trust you in everything (sanctification is hard) to gather my strength from you, to not let this bring me down/defeat me. To choose Jesus ALWAYS!

I wanted to drive my car into a pole and end all my misery not just all the things that went wrong that day but everything that I've struggled with over the last 3yrs, the loneliness, the hurt, the failure, the shame, the heartache, the feeling of being worthless, scum, unimportant...I wanted to end my life so much right there then live it. It was in that moment as I was driving down market street in tears screaming at the Lord to take my like and about to turn my wheel into the next street light pole the song 'Say you won't let go' was playing. Just as I was about to turn my wheel James Arthur (the artist) was singing " I'm so in love with you. And I hope you know Darling your love is more than worth its weight in gold, We've come so far my dear Look how we've grown, And I wanna stay with you Until we're grey and old, Just say you won't let go Just say you won't let go. I wanna live with you Even when we're ghosts'Cause you were always there for me When I needed you mos. I'm gonna love you till My lungs give out I promise till death we part Like in our vows, So I wrote this song for you Now everybody knows That it's just you and me Until we're grey and old. Just say you won't let go Just say you won't let go "

It was as if Jesus was speaking to me through that song saying I love you and that's all that matters. I know it hurts and its painful but I'm walking by your side and I'm in your corner. My flesh and my heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever.

January 22, 2017

"Damn. I never thought I'd have these thoughts. I never knew what people were going through when they were having these thoughts. I never understood that this could be so real. It Is. I especially never thought I'd go through this after being saved. Life after salvation is suppose to be good right? Well yes it is and I'm so thankful for Jesus and saving my life. My life without him before being saved was so bad. He brings me Hope, Joy, and Peace! The past 3 years have been a hell of a ride. I struggle with self worth, feeling loved, worth it and appreciated. I have so many high expectations for myself but I'm afraid of failing. Failure is my biggest weakness along with fear. I don't want to disappoint my parents, my friends, Iggs but most importantly God. Yes, Christ doesn't work like that but I want to do my best for him. I also think its because I don't want t disappoint myself. I'm so afraid. I don't want to be a disappointment/failure. My friends have added a lot to what has happened to me, they always seem to bail and for the longest time I thought it was me. They acted liked I should have all these things because I worked a ton and my mom was constantly telling me what to do and what I should be shooting for since I'm a young lady but what I needed in those 3 years was some one who loved me for me guiding me gently with grace on how I should act. I needed to be loved. I needed someone to take the time to say "yes, she is a little dramatic but so beautiful." I needed to have one on one with my friends because if you know anything about me I work the best when I can just spend time with you and you alone. That is where I am most like myself."

I AM no longer suicidal because God has made me prefect, wonderfully and beautiful in his eyes. That is all that matters. He is my strength and portion forever. I now see that he was working on me and preparing me for the things that are to come! I need to be complete and satisfied in him and him alone! As you all read this please don't feel sorry for me, I didn't write this to get attention but to share my story with the intention of healing and that you all may begin to know who I am as a person. I love you all so much, thank you for listening and loving me through this!!

I want to leave you with something my really good friend wrote for this post - "I don't think that people understand how stressful and difficult it is to explain what is going on inside your head when you don't even understand it yourself. Depression is like a war you either win or you die trying. Three years ago I would have laughed in the face of someone who claimed to be depressed or have depression. The idea of depression and suicide was an absurdity to me. I looked into my Dad's eyes and what I saw was a weak shell of a human being; someone that I once knew but I didn't believe existed any longer. If I could go back I would reach my hands out to him and tell him that I understood because now I do. The words of depression today seem repetitive and simply a statement for attention. This is what I believed. Yet I cannot explain the feeling to anyone, that feeling of emptiness, a feeling so deep that it pushes you to the edge and you consider jumping. Now I don't say this for whoever may read this to feel bad for me, no that is not my intention. I write this as a plea, a call for help. When you see someone struggling with depression, like I did my dad, help them and pick them up. Be their crutch. So I leave you with a quote from the poet and professor Ralph Waldo Emerson who said, "The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well." Make a difference."-

Forever&Always