What will you do with you life

I'm having major writers block right now and I'm so sorry for the late late blog post! I feel like I haven't written in a month, I don't know if its that long but it has been a very long time.

I've been going through a tough past couple of weeks with some thoughts running through my head and one of those thoughts has been "what will I do with my life". I want my life to filled with some many different things like family, fun, hobbies, sports, love, kindness and so much more. I want to leave a legacy. Not a legacy that will make me look good but a legacy that will show people how I lived for Jesus, how everyday they saw me, talked to me that they saw Jesus in me. I want my life to lived be for Him and him only. So what will I do with my life? Well that was so nice of you to ask! (; haha

I want to do so many different things in life, I want to be a preschool teacher who signs, a counselor, a wife, a mom, a friend and a pinterest kinda girl! I want to live a life that is exciting, extravagant, meaningful, worthy, precious, worthwhile...So I guess the question is "How do I live a life like that". How do I get to that place where I'm living the life I want to? The life that God has given me? The life I was meant to be living? I don't know if I can answer that question right now because I still don't know! I know that a little bit of being able to live like that is to not be so fearful of the moment or the future but living in the moment, in the now, taking grasp of what has been set before you and doing with it what you will. Doing with it what you believe to be right!

Now, I just feel like my life is SO boring. So uneventful. So rough. I don't believe life at this age and time in my life is suppose to be this hard. I mean there is no time in your life that is guaranteed to be easy.....I wish I would've never gone though what I went through, I wish I had friends who loved me and pushed me to be a better version of myself then tear be down and make me feel like I didn't matter because then maybe I wouldn't be going through this. Maybe my life would be just a little easier. Maybe I wouldn't want to die every night before I fall asleep. Maybe I would do more than I already do. Maybe I would live a life that is exciting. Extravagant. Maybe, or maybe went I went through was for a purpose that I don't understand yet, that God is trying to show me something, teach me sometime. I just wish I knew because then it would make everything go away. It would make everything so much easier to get by. It would make the thoughts I have about my life go away....it would make the dark cloud hanging over my head everywhere I go go away! I know he has a plan, I know he's working, I know he's got everything under control, I know he loves me, but if I could just get a glimpse of hope of the light at the end off the tunnel would be so nice. It would make this darkness worth it if I could only see a little light.

I don't know how to change a mindset of negativity and destruction to a mindset of positivity and light. I need to rebuild. I have to rebuild. One of the ways I've been working on rebuilding is going to school, I have a huge passion and desire to be a preschool teacher. I want to invest in the lives of children at a young age and make an impact like never before! I want to show them how much they are loved and how much they are appreciated, I want them to know that they can be who they want to be if they try hard and pursue whatever it is whole heatedly. Children are the key to our future! I also want to pursue sign language because first off I think it is so cool for deaf people to have there own language and secondly I've had many interactions with deaf people and they joy it brings to their face when you sign back to them is something I will never let go of! I want to make a difference in the world and what better way they to learn a language and help bring the truth and love to there world. I love people with a passion I don't think people understand about me. I've struggled with a lot of things growing up and I want to be able to help people never go through what I went through alone! I've decided that I want to be a counselor! I want to help people. I want to be there for people when no one else is. I want to love them and show them there is always a better way even if it feels like everything around you a crashing down, even when it feels like your drowning and everyone around you is staying afloat. I want to change the world through people. I have this thing I do with a few of my closer friends and I call it Heart to Hearts....it is an amazing way to really get to know someone and what they're going through. I believe it is good for the heart, for both people. I know I don't have all the answers but I think its good to talk about things and I enjoy talking things through and giving my advice! I think I'm actually pretty good at giving advice to others but I don't take it for myself. haha Lame I know. I want to be a wife and a mother someday. I want to raise a family of my own. I want to raise children that love the Lord and want to delight in his word. I want to marry the man of my dreams who is going to care for me in the ways that I need, who is going to lead me and push me closer to Christ, who's going to be my lover, my protector, my comfort, my best friend. I want to be a wife that submits to her husband and cares for him in the ways he needs, I want to love him with the most gentle and self sacrificing love, I want to trust him, pursue him, push him closer to Jesus and be his best friend. So yes, I have a lot of ambitions I want to achieve before I go home. Not so I can leave this world walking out of it saying "look at me, look what I've done" but instead saying "look what God equipped me with and what he did to help me share the love of him and the Good News to people I came across with" that is the legacy I want to leave when I go home....that is what I want people to remember me by!

I hope and I pray that the life that the Lord has given me will be one that will further his kingdom, one that I get to share the Good News, one that I get to love people the way Jesus did (obviously not perfectly) but one that shows that Jesus came to redeem us. I tried to end my life almost a year ago and because of that I have a lot of things to work through but I want to have a life that's meaningful and worthwhile. I don't want my suicide attempt to define who I am or what I will do with my life. Jesus gave me life for a reason and I will do what I was made to do by his grace and mercy. I am a gift from God.

So what will you do with your life? Will you just sit back and watch it float by and do nothing? Will you do something that's worthwhile? Will you pursue a career? Will you pursue people? Will you try and make a difference? Will you be the best version of yourself that you can be? Will you love? Only you can answer those questions but I hope that you'll choose to do it all, I hope that you'll choose to love. I hope that you'll find something that you're good at that you can use to help people and change the world. I pray for you all! Live a life that shines for Jesus. I'll leave you with this quote "We are not given a good or bad life. We are given a life. Its up to us to make it good or bad".

I love you all so much!!

Forever&Always

P.S. I'll hopefully be writing another post very soon after this one. Thanks for sticking with me through this process!!